Today my mom just gave her testimony before the congregation about her student activism and leftist leanings when she was still young. It’s hard to imagine my angel of mom even closely associated with such things, but it’s a fact that she held the first ever boycott of classes in her religious high school, for which she was demoted to salutatorian. And of course entering UP Diliman in the 1970’s almost guaranteed the high-spirited, and even fatal, kind of activism she got involved in. Without really intending to (the testimony was typed out and prepared almost a week prior), her testimony became much more relevant with the Manila Peninsula event.

But you’d never even guess such a past. She manages the house with a smile, comforts every other single soul she can comfort, encourage, and lift up. She’s an absolute blessing to so many other women, young and old alike. I remember one of her friends leaning beside me and whispering to me in her absence, how she couldn’t believe how kind my mom was, and I could only smile (half-ashamed of course that her son wasn’t much of an example. Heh.) She’s mostly filled with a light and airy kind of humor, like a perfume fragrance. And she’s not perfect of course: sometimes she has this kind of absent-mindedness that makes me irritable, almost worried, but I realize it’s one of the best opportunities I’ll ever be given by providence to love her. I am amazed by how she always says she loves me.

When I grow up (pretending I’m still young), I’d really like to marry a girl more like my mom. But the thing is you don’t just meet someone like her, it takes a long ride through trials and suffering, through hopes postponed, through sticking by the shortcomings of your husband and children through better and worse, richer and poorer, and what’s most important, a steadfast faith in God and His goodness even during the bleakest years. I think looking to my mom alone should never fail to remind me what kind of God I have, who’d fashion such a soul. I felt this morning, as my parents went ahead to Church earlier than us, a vision transposed to reality: with morning sunlight passing through light blue curtains on both sides, she opened the door in the middle of the room and their was light, white, bright, sparkling on her light brown hair, on her dress, engulfing her as she stepped into it and said goodbye. Perhaps that is what her final goodbye on this earth will look like: bright and spectacular.

===

We already begun to sing Joy to World a while ago, in anticipation of Christmas. I felt like imploring an imaginary friend: “You do realize what a scary prospect Christmas is should Christ be true. The whole occasion repeated every single year in the entire western World, rhythmically pulsating in the personal histories of every individual. It is scary, dear friend, because should Christ come back, you’d be absolutely without excuse for ignorance…”

“And if Christ weren’t true?”

“If Christ weren’t true, then isn’t the very idea of Christmas the greatest crime one could ever conceive against humanity? That God ought to have been born to save wretched sinners—an insult, an indictment that gnaws on every form of pride and self-esteem. Wouldn’t Christmas then be the most extreme form of irony? People celebrating the occasion of their own devaluation with gift giving and Christmas carols—when man is inherently good. If Christ weren’t true, even then, mankind would be much more foolish than it already is, and then you’d really wish there was Christ.”

===

Just gave our three dogs a bath. They haven’t taken a bath in months. When giving them a bath I don’t tie them with a leash and hose them down, instead I really get hands-on. I sit on a small stool, and doing a kind of improvised arm and leg lock on the whining creature, use my other free hand to make buhos the tabo. Then when they try to wriggle out I wrestle them back into place, forcing them into submission. At the end of three baths, spending much dish washing liquid and Rejoice shampoo, I absolutely smell like a mongrel dog, have to flick tiny ticks off my chest, and feel like I just accomplished a Spartan feat.

Why do I mention all this? I don’t really know. I can give your dog a bath if you want. Hahaha.

So the man, when he first saw her didn’t fire up with lust, no, and most certainly didn’t ravage her with a wolfish desire in his heart. But when he saw her he deliberately widened his eyes and said, convincing himself, that the world suddenly seemed brighter. And it all started in the aerial lightness of innocence, how he would set his eyes on her smile and her laughter, on the elegant contour of her cheek, the moist glisten of her lips, and take that image home with him to sleep. And as he curled in his bed he would draw and paint her supple limbs, the earthly curve of her hips, the spring of her step, as he imagined her coming down from the hill of his dreams to greet him.

And meanwhile in the real world he would talk to her with playful words, dip his toes into this pond called flirtation, infatuation, and play like a boy might play in the water, careless, reckless, and a little too energetic. And though nothing of much significance ever passed between them in conversation, he would hone in on the slightest sparkle of her eyes, the slightest twist of the corners of her mouth, and convince himself of the sincerity of his emotions, him a stalwart knight clad in shining armor, and she a damsel in desperate need of a lord. And when night came again he’d play out the chivalric part in a thousand imaginary variations, in scenes where she’d say and do something else of a quite different sort, innuendos: eyes that would glide and lock into his, and subservient lips that would gravitate closer and closer, in this manner he would draw her.

And though he never knew his talent he was really a master sculptor. For in the day to day he would meet her and steal her without knowing it, measure her up and scale her. And when evening came he would chisel her every feature in his own private workshop, and every flaw he would quickly mend to his liking. And come the days he would dance around her and touch her, soon taking even more liberties than he would ever in real life, as his omnipotence began seducing her without any resistance.

And more and more she’d fall in love with him, and he with her, as he dictated the chapters of their ethereal romance. And he would call his creation by her name, as the real her, full bodied in flesh and bone, slept oblivious to his fantasies, in a house and room far and distant from his claims, not knowing the crime. But he would speak her name, and like a marionette she would speak his name, and his mouth would snuggle into her skin, and those names would mumble into moans, and from that point on he convinced himself that he owned her.

Until the day when the imaginary confused itself with the real, and he already owned her and yet he owned her not, and the assumption chased after the conviction like a wave chasing after a wave. And on a day just like any other day, in the careless spar and play of flirtation he blurted out that he loved her. And she, who could not see into the little idols and statuettes that littered the chamber of his heart said yes, why not! let’s!, and let’s love. And she loved, with a refreshing newness and surprise she loved, but he could only love divisive. Because the confusion of love is as ancient as the God of heaven traded for idols made of wood and stone, fashioned in secret, and all the while he wondered at his double vision, of seeing her but not seeing her, of twins like and unlike, and the unfurling of unfulfilled expectations.

Because when she asked, “Do you really love me?” he said yes, but the yes was like a hair split on the blade of an axe, and it dissected and traveled into two different worlds, each a sharp disappointment to the other. Because when she stood in front of him she stood in all the glory of her reality, with her flaws and mistakes, her sadness and her heartaches, and a humanity that could never be as white as marble. But when he slept he would slide his fingers over the woman he had always imagined her to be, and already possessed, made of the things that ought to never change. And the ghost would replace the host and the lie would feed on the lie. And from then on she sometimes suspected that he may really be in love with another, though over and over he would insist on her alone, caught in the trap of heart and perception when a single person is made more than one, all at once, and you are never honest enough to tell the difference.

Last night we watched a very skillful performance of Beethoven’s 9th, excerpts of Handel’s Messiah, and a Christmas Carol medley in the UP Theater. I thought there was nothing else I could ask from the performance itself, what with a full orchestra and a choir of I think almost a hundred people, it was like being submerged in a flood of angelic sounds and voices, but I can’t shake the memory of an unexpected nuisance at the end. One of the music professors, if I’m not mistaken, who led the audience to sing along with the Christmas Carols wanted to endow the whole event with a sense of ‘open-mindedness’ and universality that was just too strained it made me feel really embarrassed. I mean, there is an unbelievably rough and abrasive irony in proclaiming that: “whatever your faith, let’s just make this event a celebration of joy”, and then proceed to sing at the top of your lungs:

King of kings and lord of lords
King of kings and lord of lords
And he shall reign forever and ever
Hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah

So what he also did was in between each Christmas Carol, like Hark the Herald Angels Sing and O Come All Ye Faithful, he voiced over quotes from Gautama Buddha, then the Bhagavad-Gita, then the Koran, then some Daoist text, I was just befuddled. Not that each religion can’t be presented in an objective and respectable context, but inserting it right in the middle of a Christmas Carol medley is like throwing a birthday party for your girlfriend and inviting several ex-girlfriends and flings to blow the candles with her. That’s just ridiculous! And that’s how I would see it even if I were not celebrating Christ—I mean, I’d easily be embarrassed for anyone’s girlfriend.

===

But it did make me remember something that MingMing the Meerkat shared with me a couple of months back, a very interesting fact he learned while dabbling in the Eastern Religions. When Christ came into the world it was something totally new and unheard of, that the Holy God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob would become a man. But after Christ came, all across the earth spiritual kingdoms began reacting to this surprise, rearranging themselves to imitate the same mystery. In Hinduism, from the pantheon of pagan gods of the Vedas (1,500-1,200 BC), a new development occurs in the Bhagavad-Gita, written only in the 1st or 2nd Century AD. We are suddenly introduced to Krishna, who is the earthly incarnation of the God Vishnu. From then on Hinduism would carry its own strain of a personal, incarnate deity. Also in Buddhism, which thus far recognized Buddha as a great human teacher according to the older Theravada tradition (600-400 BC), in the 1st Century AD emerges the newer Mahayana (Greater Vehicle) tradition which stresses Buddha as the historical incarnation of the celestial, transcendent Buddha, the closest thing to god. Eventually the Mahayana tradition would overwhelm Theravada, dominate most of Northern Asia and define the Buddhism we are most familiar with now. I do not think any of this can be attributed merely to coincidence.

With Daoism things get a little more interesting, because some have interpreted the Tao as the oriental equivalent of Logos, that which makes all things adhere and hold together. Some Chinese Bibles translate the first few words of the gospel of John: “In the beginning was the Tao, and the Tao was with God, and the Tao was God.” There is the possibility that Christ is, orientally speaking, the Tao of the Tao Te Ching (800-300 BC) made flesh. In such a case Laozi would be like his Greeks counterparts merely preparing the stage for the One to come. As for Islam it comes a little too late, 7th Century AD, and being directly antithetical to Christ’s claims to deity, it almost feels like a late game move.

I don’t know, but the world is like a chess game, with different sides vying for the spirits and souls of men. I chose my side as soon as my side graciously chose me, and it demanded exclusivity: “Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved.” (Acts 4:12)

Like neutrinos sparkling shimmering golden rain, ah hahaha, passing through all of our bodies dancing in praise! Like me, clapping, singing out my spirit, in the midst of my brothers and sisters electric in grace. Oh, glory descending! The mundane somersault transcending! Our voices some out of tune, but like light beaming to the skies, in the black of night, oh joy! Oh spatial bubble of eternity infinity the free, the free! To have such a good God! Look at the scape of the flowering stars!

Shine, shine, thank, thank! Lord we love you love you love you! And rain down on us with the sound of pristine crystal ivory keys in the heights! And the music of strings and the strum and all things now in glory come! Oh dance, oh spin, with me in all the vantage of my dreams. The very thought, this very thought, it is too much for me to keep tucked within! God of grace, compassion, love intoxicating, and every single vision in this life that has made me bright, made me light, made me kite, to what heights! What heights!

My dear even if I could ever even kiss you in this golden sprinkling rain, you would quickly lose yourself in His Love and never see me again. My dear even if I could touch your soft hand with the gentle tip of my finger, in the smile of seven thousand suns petty loves will never be remembered. Oh to have You! Jesus-Lord-Maker! To have You means joy, above, below, in the space between tears, in the crisp bloom of my fears, the sacred flower growing on the crown of the cliff! The laugh, laugh, laughter, the Haha! Hahahaha! Hahahahahahaha! The Hallelu-- Halleluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuujah!

So I was trudging along the narrow road when I was surprised by a young man running up from behind me shouting, “I cannot words! Mhrrrhhhrmmm! I cannot words!” I thought he was crazy, but before I could even reply he sped up ahead waving his arms like a madman, leaping and clicking his feet, crying, “So happy! Mrrrhhmmm… happy! I cannot words it!” Before I could even make up my mind to run after him, a woman also came from behind and tapped me on the shoulder, whispering in a hurry, “Why! If only I had known this was what joy meant I would have given up all my lovers since the very start!” And before I could ask what she meant by that she catapulted so fast she was already past the horizon. By this time I began to quicken my pace, infected by these bursts of enthusiasm, but no more had I gone a few feet when an old man, an old monk, wobbling unbelievably rapidly with his cane, brushed past me shouting: “Too late have I loved Thee, O Beauty so ancient and so new, too late have I loved Thee!” And again, upon opening my mouth to inquire he suddenly threw his cane aside and sprinted forward like an Olympic athlete, fleeting towards the bright distance.

And again and again strange people kept overtaking me, shooting in a hurry, without even a second to spare. And I was a little stunned, because they told me this narrow road was going to be the hard road, the deserted desert road, the road less traveled. And I confess I was a little grim about the whole affair, expecting the worst sort of travel through barren wastes and volcanic terrain, expecting days when we would only crawl along the gravel road in fatigue, swollen in hunger and thirst, without another cheerful soul in sight. But now, instead of desolate landscapes why, all this breathtaking scenery! The road traveling right beside an immense sparkling sea, with its smooth, silver shores that stretch for miles and miles! The road burrowing through lush green forests, through refreshing hidden springs and glittering waterfalls! The road snaking through deep canyons and snowcapped mountains, under blessed rosy golden hues of sky! And instead of trudging lonely and solitary, why, all these people joyfully flying and passing me by! So I cried almost in consternation, “brothers, sisters, why this hurry and why this exceedingly lightspeeding joy?”

And all at once, from I know not where, from all the unknown corners of the world, a chorus of voices began swirling and whirling frantically into one translucent voice: “We are rejoicing in the Lord! We are rejoicing in what He has done in our lives! We are rejoicing in the colors of His glory, permeating every little facet of the universe, the inner and the outer, the heavens and the earth, from every grain of sand, to the rainbow dance of the stars! And oh, to be saved and summoned! What great joy that propels us into the future, forward, restless, breathless… Oh to get to see our King face to face!” And soon this same proclamation of praise was being echoed by the rocks, by the trees around me, by the constellations above, and suddenly not only I was running forward, but the whole of creation with me! Groaning, the trees uprooted themselves and leaped and bounded forward! The panthers and the deer and ostriches were stampeding and racing against each other! Behind us whole mountains were moving! And oh my goodness, I thought to myself, I really need to pick up the speed!

And before I knew it, I also found myself lightspeeding, through the light of stars streaking and streaming, and it was beautiful, and it was spectacular, and I was catching up with the rest of the chosen, and we were all like excited children running carefree across green fields of space and time, to the place where there is no longer be space and time, but only Love, Love drown thick immense and dense, Love like the warmth of the mother’s womb, Love like God who loved His Son, but who also loved me enough to give Him up so He could call me son. And then in speechless insight I suddenly understood why everyone was in such a rush to meet Him.

You cannot capture this.

It is like a massive solar flare engulfing a whole earth, like a great licking tongue of fire.

It is like a sunlight song, streaming orange through this chill, warming every creaking bone of my body, rekindling.

It is the calm surrender of light blue skies.

It is happiness that goes deeper still, deeper still, until it can never be stolen.

It is the hope of return, of finally opening your eyes and finding a place so familiar and yet so new, walking down an aisle of trees where you used to play and laugh as a child, long before you were even born.

It is the tears that will fall when I am embraced by Him whom I have always known, since the beginning of the world, forward into the remaking of the world, my Father dressed in resplendent light.

===

I was thinking about this certain girl I love, how I really do think about her often, in fact hardly a day goes by that I do not think about her, and she flitters and comes alive in my life every second that I think about her. And I keep thinking about how I want to be beside her, and make her happiness my own, and to be the warmth that will make her purr, and how I long to melt myself into her presence. And I think about her often, how I cherish the day when I will be able to tell her how much I have thought about her, and think about her still, and how I would like to make all this thinking come real and alive, as a breath, as my hand, blending perfectly with her own breath, her hand.

And I am seeing how in God this love I have is only a bead of water falling from the sky, a tiny self-sustained world of its own, shining, sparkling with the sun in its core. It is falling, free falling, barely noticeable, a tiny droplet into a wide blue ocean. And as deep as the ocean runs, for miles and miles and miles, and how wide it spreads its arms, so great is His love from my unworthy own. And how oh, great frightening truth! That He thinks of me often, and hardly a blink goes by that he doesn’t think of me, and I come alive in His very thoughts, because His thinking always comes to life. And ah, great frightening truth! That this love swallows all these tiny droplets, with us His sons and daughters free falling from the sky, with our weak hearts and frail, imperfect loves, splashing, drowning into this perfect beginning and His infinite end.

===

Was really blessed last night in our Christmas Party to see and hear how God is working in the lives of my brothers and sisters, such that all my doubts and anxieties are put to a healthy shame. It is just inebriating-inspiring to see His reflection in faces filled with joy, either because they have been won back, or have drawn closer to Him through various trials. I am awed by the multiplicity, of how this love that already manifests in my life and which I cannot already comprehend, is repeated, replicated, intensified! in the life of people who used to be strangers! People who have never entered my mind, and I can hardly think of more than one with such fervent passion, but He thinks about us all… like mirror facing mirror, a thousand worlds, a thousand lives, a million worlds, a million lives, infinite worlds, infinite lives, filled to the brim with love intoxicating, and He’s just barely begun…

The fireworks are dying down. Just a while ago we celebrated with the usual, overindulgent New Year feast. Though we don’t do firecrackers, the neighbors are die hard firecracks, and it’s been fun, in a rather sadistic way, to watch our three dogs literally shake and shiver in fright. I don’t know why, but when they’re scared they just keep on drooling, and then they’re stuck in one place, almost immovable. Hehehe. Even as I type our biggest dog is hiding under my legs. Anyway, looking back at 2007, it’s the perfect opportunity to just count my blessings and thank God for everything He’s done in my life. Not at all to brag, because I cannot brag for anything, but I know without a doubt that if it were not for Him none of these things would have been possible. May He bless your life so much more than He has mine! I really thank Him for:

1. Jesus Christ. His Love. His Glory. And everything that is inexpressible in words: Joy.

2. My Salvation. The day I was reborn, reclaimed, embraced. The promise of life everlasting.

3. Our basic necessities. Food, shelter, clothing. Food, because sometimes I feel really guilty when, upon asking for the customary ‘daily bread’, that daily bread turns out to be a really sumptuous dish. Shelter, because we’ve been living in a house not our own, with no rent, for the past seven or more years. Clothing, because, even when I myself don’t fuss over it and I think I already have more than enough, it’s my mom who insists on buying me that new T-Shirt.

4. The best parents in the world. Not perfect, no, no, but exactly the parents God wanted me to have. First of all, I am thankful for their godliness, for their trust in the Lord even when times were pretty down and hard. I am thankful for their example of loyalty, of sticking by each other, with a love that is both flexible and strong. My mom is an angel, my dad is my hero (though sometimes he’s my amateur comedian too).

5. For my brother and sister, who I don’t really want to talk about much because they’re my siblings and I also get sick of them sometimes. Hehehe.

6. For the renewing of my mind. For freeing me from all those addictions and thought-patterns that used to enslave me. For curing me of all those things that made me feel sick and sorry for myself, and they’d make you feel sick and sorry too, if I wrote them down. And though I know I am still a work in progress, the past year has just been amazing. I thank God for the freedom to run against the flow, to no longer conform to what the world wants me to be, but to travel on the narrow, yet beautiful, inspiring path.

7. For giving me a shot at authenticity. In 2007 more and more I was given the privilege of becoming a real person (yes, like Pinocchio, a real boy! Hehe), no longer caught up trying to be someone who I’m not and never will be. A little less of the pretensions, the insecurities, which have plagued me for most of my past life. And here again, a work in progress, but given what God can accomplish in a year, I’m pretty excited of reaching thirty!

8. I’m thankful for surviving without television for the whole of 2007.

9. I’m thankful for encountering wonderful authors/philosophers who I know will be influences on me for the rest of my life. Names that I will probably never find in any bookstore, and not even in the philosophy curriculum. I’m thankful for the opportunity to be a rebel, or maybe be an intellectual outcast. Wehehe.

10. In conjunction with 9, I’m thankful for the delay in my MA Thesis, the prolonged bum-life that at first made me feel anxious and disappointed, but in the end I know will turn out for my good because I’ve learned so many things on my own, things I will never learn inside a classroom.

11. I’m thankful for being allowed to finish reading the whole Bible a second time, in a different translation. Actually I’m just thankful for the Bible.

12. I’m thankful for this blog, because God has answered a specific prayer that has made all of these petty ramblings absolutely, absolutely worth it. And from here on everything that I will write in my life is a bonus. And yes, I’m looking at you, Gabi. :P Also, I’m thankful for all my blog-friends who have shared their 'secret' lives with me.

13. I’m thankful for God’s grace in our arnis club, how from being on the verge of extinction, He has made it grow and filled it with wonderful people, wonderful friends. I’m thankful for the being allowed to continue with the art, and how it’s become a metaphor for discipline in my own life. I am thankful for a godly teacher, who knows what’s truly important in life, and who has been a great influence and role model. And I guess I am also thankful for another skilled teacher, who is probably the deadliest arnisador on the planet… and to think I get to train under them for free.

14. I am grateful for being a part of a wonderful Christian organization on campus, and I am always humbled whenever I drop by and my younger brothers and sisters call me ‘Kuya’. I am blessed by their remarkable testimonies and how God is working in their lives. And many, many times God has used them to shame me in a healthy way to make me better. I am so thankful for being able to share in their joy and feel younger, as though I were still an undergraduate!

15. I am thankful for a great Church, and for the opportunity to be involved with a group of single guys, fellow soldiers, a band of brothers, sharing our struggles, our fights, our prayers. For the chance to encourage and be encouraged in true fellowship. For being compelled to meet regularly with EGR (Extra-Grace Required) people, and be confronted with the fact that I’m an EGR person myself! Oh boy, the proverb is really true, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Also, I’m thankful for the chance to do some volunteer work in the Church library, which I really need to do better this coming year..

16. I am thankful for our kitten who has grown into a kitten with a stomach twice as large as his head. Hehe. Though my mom calls him a nuisance, I reiterate that he fell from heaven (actually though he fell from our neighbor’s roof into our lot). I am also thankful for our three dogs, but I’m more a cat person.

17. I am thankful for all the times that I stumbled, that I was embarrassed, that I was shamed, because in all these times it was God snipping off my pride, teaching me to be absolutely dependent on Him and Him alone. And although all these times were uncomfortable, I am glad because it only shows that someone up there is caring for me, hehe, even with a loving rod in His hand.

18. I am thankful that God gave my father a job this year, after a very long and depressing dry spell. And what a job! And what financial blessings! To tell you that truth it’s too incredible for me. Needless to say, I am thankful that with this same job he can simultaneously pursue a specialized ministry in scientific apologetics. There’s nothing like having a father being confident as the bread winner, and who, after being humbled and tested for the longest time, is also no longer confident in himself but knows to whom all the credit is due.

19. Health! How I hardly got sick this year! And how I can reach my toes with ease and do one-leg squats (the only move in my repertoire to impress, wehehe).

20. I am thankful for my very own computer a couple of months back, which actually I didn’t ask for, but it’s here so I use it. For the DSL connection, and also just the past week, for a brand new printer. Also recently, I’m thankful for a new celphone.

21. I am thankful for great, great music! Don’t even get me started! The portable MP3 player is an indispensable part of my life. Also, to have quite a few music major friends and be invited to free concerts, recitals, etc (sometimes free dinner included)! The past year has been an interesting musical treat.

22. I am thankful for the regular long bus rides that I have to ride through Commonwealth and EDSA. Yes, I am thankful for reckless, ordinary buses that are almost falling apart. Because it is during these bus rides that I get to meditate and think about lots of things. I’m thankful for the sky (even if that sounds weird), because I feel that the sky has been more beautiful and subtle this past year than in any other…

23. I’m thankful for a certain girl… a certain girl… that God has used in my life in such profound ways… maybe my own version of Regine Olsen. LOL.

26. I’m thankful for the privilege of discipling another person, and realizing how hard it is, and how much patience is needed—BUT, mind you, in needing patience for someone else I only discover how much patience God has had on me, and I am just humbled. I am privileged by seeing someone grow, stumble, grow, run, before my very eyes, and seeing God’s goodness up close and personal in another life.

25. I’m thankful for all those times I had to clean up garbage. Because I am spoiled and I need times when I need to clean up garbage, especially if it’s someone else’s. I thank God for all those times He tested and stretched my patience. And He still does, but patience is like a muscle, and it won’t get very far if it’s not trained and strained.

26. And this list could go on and on, and in fact it will, because thanking God isn’t just a New Year affair but an everyday one. And there are so many things that you can only thank God for in private, because of those personal, vulnerable, intimate gifts that are so precious and valuable they surely can never be repaid, even if I told the whole world about it!

May God bless your coming year in a likewise manner, if not so much more! :D